Until He Didn't
by BensonStabler
Summary: He trusted her with everything, his heart, his soul, his life, his secrets...Until He Didn't.  Takes place about 3 months after Smoked.  Rated M for language...and maybe smut later!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Dick Wolf owns them which is sad cause they need help**

Okay…liv and el have been dating for 2 years at this point….this story starts out about 3 months after Smoked ended….I am writing virgin so be kind…only thing I ever wrote I copied from a text book

**UNTIL HE DIDN'T**

Oliva heard the elevator door shut and knew right away it was him. She heard his voice talking to the other officers in the precinct. She felt a chill down her spine and her heart begin to race. He was here.

Elliot.

Cragen had told her, Munch and Fin that Eliott would be in today, although the captain hadn't elaborated in what capacity, and Olivia couldn't help but wonder. Was he here because he was coming back to work? Was he here to officially quit? She had no idea, how could she, had shut her out of his life for the past 2 ½ months after being together as a couple for the last 2 years.

Ever since that day in the squadroom three months ago when Sister Peg and Jenna were killed, nothing has been the same. Elliot had asked Olivia for some time alone to sort through what had happened that day. She'd said she completely understood and supported his need to find his own way through the tragic events that took place that day and he'd made it very clear to her when he packed up his truck for places unknown that he was only leaving the job for the time being, not her. She'd believed him, only asking for the occasional phone call to let her know he was okay.

He'd agreed and thanked her for her love and understanding. He'd then kissed her goodbye, it wasn't the same as it had been for the last two years, but she'd understood, he wasn't the same. He was in an extremely dark place. He would probably never be the same again. He was still Elliot though and he'd always kept his promises to her. Until he didn't.

He'd called her the first week he was gone told her he was fine and ended their conversation. He'd called again the next week and told her the same thing. She'd tried to be as understanding as she could be but she had been worried sick about him.

And then after that second phone call she hadn't heard his voice again until he walked into the squadroom ten minutes ago. He hadn't called or anything for the next two months. She'd been a wreck the entire time, was he okay? Was he alone? Did he find someone else to help him through this? Did he eat his gun? These were all things that went through her head on a daily basis. She hadn't eaten or slept well the entire time he had been gone.

Now he was back. He was downstairs. And she couldn't face him. She had never been at a loss for words when it came to Elliot. They told each other everything. Until they didn't.

Olivia made some excuse to Munch, telling him she needed to take care of something quickly and got out of there as fast as she could and made her way to the roof. She couldn't breathe. She just needed to get out of the squadroom before Elliot saw her, before she saw him.

She leant over the edge of the roof of the precinct just breathing in as much air as she could.

She knew she was only avoiding the inevitable. She would obviously have to face him at some point. But All she could think to herself was 'Mother fucker! What a bastard! How could he stay out of touch with her for two and a half months after everything they'ed said they meant to each other!'

And yet, she felt guilty for her thoughts. He'd had been through something horrific. He'd shot a teenage girl. He'd spent fourteen years at SVU saving women and children from the dregs of society and he ended up killing one of those children he had always prided himself on being able to save.

She understood this, but at the same time, fuck him, she didn't understand. She understood cutting himself off from the job, from the horrors they see and deal with every day, but not her. She was supposed to be the one good thing in his life and yet at his lowest moment in life he made her feel that she just wasn't enough.

Her conversation with herself was cut short as she heard the door to the roof open. She turned around and there he was, standing there in his jeans, t-shirt and scruffy beard. Her heart melted, as it usually did when he entered a room and she turned away as quickly as possible, because she knew if she didn't, she'd be in his arms in a split second. And as much as she wanted to just run into his arms and be grateful that he was safe, she was still very hurt and angry.

She felt trapped. She was on the damn roof and he was up there with her. There was no escaping the conversation that had to come next, she know that. But all she could do was remember his words the day he left, that he was leaving the job, not her, that he trusted her an no one else. Until he didn't.

**REVIEWS PLEASE be kind…..What will Liv say to Elliot? What will he say to her…I wanna know what you all think first time writing ANYTHING….be nice but honest! Thanks guys!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Once again for the cheap seats….I own nothing Dick Wolf does, which is so sad…but we can discuss that at another time…If I owned them….they'd be going at it like animals LOLOL!**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed I really appreciate it…you guys are awesome and I love you!**

"Liv?" Elliot said.

Goddamnit, why did he have such a fucking sexy voice that melted her heart every time he spoke? Olivia thought to herself.

As much as he got to her just by saying her name, however, she knew she needed to stand her ground and think with her head and not her heart. She needed to let him know how damn pissed and hurt she was.

Allowing her anger to fuel her, she turned around quickly and said "Hey Elliot, how's it goin'?, long time no see," with as much sarcasm as she could muster up. She immediately regretted it as she realized how petty she sounded, but it was one way of keeping her defenses up.

"Liv, are you okay", Elliot asked, his voice laden with concern.

"Of course Elliot, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? I haven't spoken to or even heard from my boyfriend in two and a half months but yeah, I'm fuckin' perfect! Thanks for asking!"

Elliot immediately knew this was not going to turn out the way he had hoped, but he made his way closer to Olivia hoping the proximity would help to calm her down at least a little. He was not oblivious to the fact that he could elicit a physical response from her, and he wasn't ashamed to use it at this point if it would help his case. Unfortunately, the closer he got, the more she backed away.

"Liv, are you mad at me? What did I do?" he asked

"Really Elliot? Did you honestly just ask me if I was mad at you and what you did? You must be the stupidest guy on the damn planet if you can't figure this one out," Olivia was now yelling to make sure he got the point.

"Liv, I, I…" He watched as Oliva continued to pace around the roof of the building muttering something to herself that he could not understand.

She couldn't believe that he didn't get it. How could he wonder what was wrong? How could he think he could just show back up here and she would just jump into his arms, forgetting that he stayed out of touch for two and a half months?

After pacing around the roof for about fifteen minutes in almost complete silence, save a few curses under her breath, she made her way back to where Elliot was standing and just gave him a look, still unable to understand his attitude. They had such an intense connection, how did he not get it?

Elliot felt like she was shooting daggers through him. He really was clueless as to what she was so angry about. He tried to speak to her again, but was immediately cut off.

"Elliot, save it There is nothing you can say right now that I want to hear and nothing you can say that can justify the fact that I have not heard from you in two and a half months and yet, you walk in here like we talked and hung out yesterday. I don't think I've ever felt as insulted as I do right this minute, you bastard!"

"Liv, you said you understood that I needed to leave for a while to get my head straight, and I have. I feel great, I saw a shrink, she made me understand that what happened with Jenna was not my fault and that there was nothing I could've done differently. I got out of that dark place and the only thing I could think about was getting back to you, to us."

Olivia laughed. She knew immediately that it was probably in very bad taste to do so, but at this point, she didn't really care.

"Wow Elliot, I'm so glad you went on this journey of self discovery and got over everything that happened and everything is now sunshine and roses in your life. My life, however, is not sunshine and roses right now. You left me,. I was in that squadroom too remember? I held my hands on Sister Peg's bleeding chest trying to stop the flow. I saw you shoot Jenna. I was there too Elliot, but I didn't have the luxury of just walking away to "find" myself. I stayed and picked up the pieces of what happened that day. I stayed and was the strong one for everyone else here when all I wanted to do every night was talk to you about what had happened and how I felt. But, I didn't run away. I stayed here and dealt with it."

As she said the words, she was aware of an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew she was being harsh with him. She could see the hurt look on his face and in his beautiful blue eyes that always bought a smile to her face and if she looked close enough she could see a tear forming in his right eye.

Elliot felt completely gutted by her statement. Did he run away? He thought he was just taking time to get his head together after the shooting, but maybe Olivia was right.

Everything got rough and he just cut and run. She was also right in saying she stuck around. He guessed that she probably held Munch, Cragen and Fin together through the whole ordeal because that's who she was She always made sure everyone else was okay, even if it was at her own expense.

He hadn't even thought about what they day meant to her. How she dealt with going home every night to their empty apartment. He had only cared about himself and how he felt. How could he make it right with her? He didn't know, but he knew he had to try.

"Liv, if you would just let me explain what happened," he said pleadingly.

She didn't want to hear any explanations or excuses right now though and just went right back at him again.

"You promised you weren't leaving me, you son of a bitch, but you did. I didn't want to start this relationship, every time we got close I wanted to run, you know I did. And every time I started to back away, you convinced me that you were worth it, that we were worth it!

So I didn't run, Elliot. I stuck it out. Through your beating up perps, having to cover for you with the captain, your rage, all of it. I hung in there with you and loved you through every bit of it, even when my head kept telling me to run the other way. I listened to my heart, and you broke it. You broke it in a way that no other person has and that I know no other person ever will."

Her words stung him. He stared at her with pain in his eyes as he realized she was right again. How many times over the years did she save his ass with the brass, take the heat for him when he deserved it. He moved closer to her.

"Liv, please, you need to let me explain. "There are things that happened that you just don't understand."

"Elliot, please don't bother, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't trust you." She said it, but was stunned that those words left her mouth. This was Elliot Stabler she was talking about, the man she'd entrusted her life to for the past 12 years.

"Liv, you don't mean that," Elliot said, his voice shaking.

"I do mean it Elliot," she said, her tone stern, so he would understand that she truly did.

"Liv, are you honestly going to sit there and tell me you don't trust me to always have your back?" he asked, now getting a little pissed off himself.

"Elliot the truth of the matter is, out in the field on the streets, I trust you. I trust you to put my life before your own because I've watched you do it over and over again, but truth be told, I don't trust you with my heart anymore. I gave you everything I had to give and then some. I trusted you with things from my childhood, things I've never told anyone. I gave you my heart, my soul and my life and you've ripped me to shreds.

Elliot quickly moved to Olivia so she didn't have time to get away. He took her in his arms and hugged her.

She melted a fraction at his touch, but she wouldn't let herself be swayed by her obvious physical attraction to him. And yet, despite her resolution, she hugged him back carefully. She wasn't sure why, maybe just to feel that he really was okay and that he really was standing in front of her.

As she embraced him, he whispered, "I love you Liv, with everything I have and everything I am. Please forgive me. It was truly never about leaving you, I just had to find my way back to myself."

She played his words over and over in her head. It would be so easy to give in to her feelings for him. She was still very much in love with him, just very hurt. She was, however, Olivia Benson and no one got to treat her like this, not even Elliot Stabler. She pushed away from him just as he leaned into to kiss her, which she thanked God for because she was scared as hell that if he kissed her, she would forgive him anything.

"Liv, don't push me away," he begged.

"Elliot, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. It's over, I'm going to start seeing other people."

**A/N: What? Olivia is going to see other people? That's what I wrote! Wow! Who will she be seeing? Will Elliot return the favor and do the same? With the annual Policemen's Ball coming up who will they each show up with? HMMMMMM As always review here or on twitter at Qgirl25 Thanks guys!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank for the reviews guys…..ignore my A/N from last time….no Policeman's Ball…going in a different direction. Just hang in there with me! Thanks to Corimariee(twitter name) for helping me with this chapter….3**

**Chapter 3**

Her words stung and cut him deep. _She said she was going to see other people. How is this happening? We have been living together for 2 years. We love each other. I don't understand how we got here. I know she is obviously angry at me for staying away for 2 months but I didn't expect this_, Elliot thought to himself.

"Liv, I don't want you to see other people. We live together. We are in a committed relationship. I don't understand any of this" Elliot said in a desperate attempt to believe she could not have possibly meant what she just said.

"El, I never said I don't love you. You know I love you. I don't think I could stop if I tried, but I also told you that I don't trust you anymore. You made promises to me that you didn't keep. Trust is everything in a relationship. If we don't have that, we don't have anything" she responded.

"Olivia, I have never given you a reason to mistrust me. I have been faithful to you since we've been together, you know that" .

"Elliot, you don't get it! I don't think you cheated on me, but you did lie to me. You were not supposed to leave me. Only the job never me. That's what you said and you lied. The trust is gone Elliot. I think we need to accept that we were great at one time, but what happened that day in the squad room changed something in both of us, therefore, changing our relationship whether we wanted it to or not.

"Liv, no. Please don't do this. I need you. You are my life. I love and need you more than anything. I'm so sorry. This was just really hard for me to accept, but I have my head on straight now and realize what's important, and what are most important is you".

"Elliot, I am not trying to say that what happened to you was not traumatic. I know shooting Jenna ripped you apart inside. I was there. I saw what it did to you. I gave you the space you asked for, but you told me you were not leaving me and you did. You left me here. Alone. I was dealing with what happened that day also".

"Liv, I know you were, and I'm so sorry I was so selfish and not here for you to talk to. I am here now, and I want to hear anything you need to say. I want to be here for you"

"Elliot, I am truly not trying to hurt you. You have to know that, but I don't want to talk to you about my feelings from that day. I've dealt it. I dealt with it by talking to the people who stuck around and were here for me when you weren't"

That hurt and she knew it. Maybe part of her did want to hurt him. Make him understand how hurt she was. She was finding it hard to believe that she would ever want to do anything to hurt Elliot Stabler. However, she found herself saying things to him that she knew would tear him up inside and she felt slightly vindicated with her words. The look on his face, however, was almost too much for her to bear. She had to get out of there before she just wrapped her arms around him and found herself forgiving him anything and everything.

"Elliot, I've been gone long enough. I need to get back downstairs. Fin is waiting for me" she said.

"Liv, please no stay and talk this out with me" he begged.

"Elliot, there's nothing left to say. I'm done." She retorted.

"So are you going to see other people or not? I want you to tell me you are mad as hell at me but you won't see other people until we work this out"

"Elliot, have you been listening to anything I've said? It's done. We are done."

"Just promise me you won't see other people" he begged.

"I can't promise you that Elliot" she responded as she made her way to the door on the roof.

Elliot was left standing on the roof feeling as though his heart had been ripped from his chest. His head was spinning. _She wants to see other people? It's over? She's done? _ He continued to repeat everything in his head that she had just said to him, which made him feel ever sicker to his stomach than he already did. He decided that he and Olivia were worth fighting for. He wasn't going to give up on her. He just prayed she wouldn't either.

_**THREE WEEKS LATER**_

Olivia was a nervous wreck on this particular morning. This was the day that Elliot was finally returning to work after what had happened with Jenna. They hadn't spoken since their conversation on the roof about him leaving and seeing other people. She was excited to see him and scared to death at the same time. She missed him. She didn't want to admit it but she did. She told herself it didn't matter if she missed him. She needed to get over him, because as much as she loved and missed him she was still pissed as hell and didn't trust him with her heart.

She heard the elevator door open, and her heart sank. She knew it was him. She just had a feeling. She was right. There he was Elliot Stabler. Her partner, her best-friend, her lover, the man she loved more than life itself and the man who broke her heart. He was dressed in his standard suit and tie and looked as amazing as he always did. She felt an ache everywhere in her body, especially her heart. She quickly got her head straight and started to walk away before he saw her. She was too late.

"Morning Liv" Elliot said in a cheerful voice.

"Morning, El. Welcome back" she responded.

"Thanks. Good to be back. I bought you coffee" and he placed it on her desk.

She was a little confused. He was acting as if it was any other day, like nothing happened. Maybe she really got through to him and that's why he hasn't even tried to call her in three weeks. She didn't even know where he has been for three weeks. He never came by the apartment to get any clothes or anything.

"Thanks" She responded.

"We got anything this morning" he asked.

"Um, no nothing right now. Since it's your first day back Cragen figured you could just help me catch up on some paperwork unless something major goes down" she replied.

"Sounds good".

"Elliot, do you want to talk about us continuing to be partners?"

"Liv, you will always be my partner. I will always have your back no matter what. That being said, if you want to change partners, I understand and I won't stop you"

"Elliot, I told you that out in the field I trust you with my life. You've always had my back. I don't want a new partner, but I just don't know if everything that has happened between us is going to affect our partnership"

"Well, we have lived together for two years and it wasn't affected, but if you can't be my partner, I will accept it, Liv. I won't push the issue"

She was blown away. _If you don't want to be partners I will understand? I won't push the issue?_ These are not words that Elliot Stabler knows she thought to herself. She was confused. When they were living together, they were still partners and there were no problems. Now that they are not together, she is wondering how this can possibly work.

Olivia responded, "Why don't we give it a try for a few weeks and see what happens. If it doesn't seem to be working, we will talk to Cragen"

"Fine, with me" Elliot replied.

At this point, Fin, Munch and Cragen all welcomed Elliot back. He was grateful for their support and understanding and the fact that they all seemed to miss him but his only thoughts were Olivia. She was standing there, and he couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked today. God he missed her. Was he doing the right thing by just playing it cool with her. Playing it cool is not his strong suit. He wants to drag her into the cribs and show her just how much he missed her and how much he truly loves her, but he wants her to come back to him on her own. He's realized after being with her for two years that pushing her to do something only pushes her away, and he cannot afford for her to pull further away.

After all the pleasantries were out of the way, everyone got back to work. It was almost 5 o'clock and Olivia was getting ready to leave. Elliot had noticed earlier what she had been wearing but he did now. She wasn't dressed casually like she usually was. Did she have a date? Oh shit he thought to himself, that's gotta be it. He couldn't take it anymore.

"So Liv, you look great today. Do you have a date tonight with that someone new you wanted to start seeing?" he reluctantly asked.

"Elliot, not that I owe you any explanations about my personal life but no I do have a date tonight"

"But you are seeing someone"? He asked.

"If you must know, I'm meeting Casey for drinks. Just the girls nothing else. I'm going to be late. I gotta go. I'll see you in the morning. We also need to discuss when you are going to come by the apartment and pick up your stuff" she replied as walked to the elevators and out the door.

**A/N: I struggled so much with this chapter….it's going to get better I promise just hang in there with me….we always need angst before we get the payoff right? So what happens when Olivia and Casey go out? Nothing good I'm thinking. Review here or on twitter…..Qgirl25 Thanks guys!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews… .I need to get back to this story…this was my first one and suppose to be my baby and now She Believes in Me has turned into my baby and well not really…this is my baby….blah blah blah okay I'm done.**

**I OWN NOTHING…..DICKIE DOES**

Chapter 4

Olivia walked into the smoky bar checking her watch wondering where the hell Casey was. She wasn't in the best mood after her fight with Elliot. She felt bad for saying things she knew upset him deeply but she was trying to get her point across that it's over between them. As Olivia was lost in her thoughts, Casey came up from behind her. She jumped.

"Casey! Don't sneak up on me like that. Shit!".

"Yeah, okay what's up your ass tonight, Liv?".

"Nothing…..nothing I'm sorry".

"Only one person can get you this worked up and pissed off. Elliot Stabler. What happened?"

"We had a fight of course. Everything was going pretty good for the last three weeks. He figured out I was going out tonight and went crazy. I finally told him I was only going out with you".

"Ummm gee thanks, Liv".

"You know what I mean. He thought I had a date and that thought seems to drive him insane. I don't know what to do Case, I mean we've had this talk I told him it's over. I told him I was going to see other people. He doesn't seem to get it.

"Olivia, it will never be over between you two and you know it. Maybe you won't be together but it won't be over. He's part of you. You are part of him. I watched you two fall in love and build a strong relationship over the last two years. He's in your blood, and all that aside Liv, it's so obvious you're still in love with him".

"Casey! I never said I wasn't still in love with him. I never told him I wasn't in love with him. He left me. I didn't hear from him for three fuckin months. He broke me in ways I didn't think were possible. I gave him the power to hurt me and he did. I would have never believed that Elliot would break my heart, but he did and I'm not going back for more!".

"I'm not taking sides here Liv, I'm really not but you know what shooting Jenna did to him. I saw him afterwards. He was a wreck. He was like a shell of his former self. Have you even let him explain to you why he didn't stay in touch or did you just go off half cocked dump him and end the best thing that ever happened to you?".

"Fuck Casey! I know what he went through. I was in the squad room that day too remember? I was there for him. I supported him in his decision to get away for a while, but there was a condition. He wasn't suppose to leave me too and he didn't for a while. He trusted me. He called me. Until he Didn't".

"Liv, you need to let him explain the reasons why he did this. It might change the way you feel".

"Casey, the hurt I feel when I look at him and think about him feels like it will never go away. I feel so betrayed and alone and the worst part is yes, I am still in love with him. I will always be in love with him. I know that. I've accepted it. It doesn't mean we can together. I don't trust him anymore. If you don't have trust, what do you have?"

At this point, Olivia has just been pounding back the drinks in a futile effort to numb herself from what she is feeling. She loves this man with everything in her, but he broke her down and she's unwilling or unable to give him another chance. She doesn't want to feel anything tonight. She just wants to be numb.

"Liv, I'm going to the ladies room" Casey said.

"Okay! You want another drink? I think I'll have another one….you should too. Let's celebrate! I'm a free woman! I'm not tied to anyone anymore!"

"I think you've probably had enough for tonight. Just wait for me and I'll share a cab home with you".

"Home? I don't wanna go home! I'm having fun!"

"Olivia! Just chill out for five minutes. I'll be right back!"

"Whatever Case…party pooper!"

Casey returned from the ladies room about 10 minutes later, and found Olivia shamelessly flirting with a damn good looking guy. She rolled her eyes and thought to herself….Shit! This is not gonna be good.

"Hey, Liv. You ready to go?" Casey asked praying she would just get up and leave with her.

"Nah, I think I'm gonna hang out for a while with my new friend, ummmmmmmm…."

Casey cut her off immediately knowing she was a quite buzzed and obviously didn't even remember the guy's name.

"Hi I'm Casey Novak".

"I'm Ben Wilson from the 2-7. Nice to meet you".

"Nice to meet you also. I'm going to collect Olivia and pour her into a cab and send her home".

"I can make sure she gets home, I am a cop after all".

"Yeah, well she's had a bit too much to drink tonight so I think it's better if I just make sure she gets home".

"Casey! I'm fine. I've had 3 cups of coffee in the 10 minutes you've been gone. I'm fine. I'm done drinking for the night, but I am going to stay and talk with Ben. I'm not drunk. I'm fine, and I can get myself home".

"Olivia, I really think you should just come with me so you don't do anything you can't take back later".

Olivia pulled Casey aside and explained to her that okay she was still a tad buzzed but was completely aware of what she was doing and was going to stay and hang out with Ben. She told her friend that as much as she appreciated her concern, she was a big girl and a cop to boot and could handle herself. Casey told her to call her if she needed her at any time during the night and hugged her. She said her goodbyes to Ben and left the bar.

Olivia went back to the bar where Ben was sitting and said "Now, where were we?".

"I think we were right about here" he said as he devoured her neck and peppered her with kisses all the way down to her collar bone.

Olivia felt herself shiver and an ache run through her. She thought of Elliot. _Why was he invading her thoughts while another man kissed her. This was ridiculous. What did she have to do to get this man out of her head? _

"Ummmm…Ben….feels good….so good….why don't we take this back to your place".

"Sounds good to me" he responded.

They both stood up. Ben grabbed some money out of his pocket and threw it on the bar and then planted another kiss on Olivia. This time, he went right for the lips. They were all over each other right there in the bar. One patron actually told them to get a room. Olivia responded with "that's the plan". They walked to the door, arm in arm kissing each other whenever they had the chance. They walked out the door, the door slamming behind them.

They arrived shortly at Ben's apartment, as he only lived about 5 minutes from the bar. As soon as they entered his apartment, he was all over her. She hesitated a little at first. He asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted. She responded with "absolutely!".

He proceeded to lead her to the bedroom all the way there ridding her of her clothes and she returned the favor. He laid her on the bed as gentle as possible. Olivia had a quick flashback of Elliot lying on top of her, and immediately pulled at Ben's neck to devour his mouth in an effort to rid Elliot from her mind.

The next morning Olivia woke up a bit confused at first as to where the hell she was. She then looked over and saw Ben lying naked next to her. She thought to herself OH SHIT what have I done? When she noticed they were both naked she knew exactly what they had done.

She slowly got out of the bed and grabbed her clothes and went into the bathroom, all the while not wanting to wake this man who she just had sex with that she barely knew. She closed the bathroom door and just stared into the mirror. She looked like hell. Her thoughts immediately went to where they usually go, Elliot. _What have I done? Why do I feel like I just betrayed him when I ended it with him? Why do I feel so guilty? Why does most of me wish it was Elliot's and my bed that I just got out of? She missed him. I need to get out of here she thought._

She came out of the bathroom and Ben was still sleeping. She thought to herself thank God. She really wasn't in the mood for the awkward morning after thing. She wrote him a note and quietly left his apartment.

She arrived back at her apartment and immediately went to the bathroom to start the shower. She felt dirty for some reason. She didn't feel violated. She wanted Ben. He didn't force her. The sex was actually pretty good she thought to herself but still all her thoughts would drift back to Elliot no matter how she tried to justify it.

She stepped into the shower and just stood there, trying to wash the sex she just had with a man other than Elliot off of her. She scrubbed harder and harder and it just didn't seem like it was working. The guilt was overwhelming her at that moment. She began to slide down the wall of the shower, lowered her face into her palms and just began to cry.

**A/N: Oh Liv….what have you done? Will she ever let explain why he left and didn't keep in touch? Will she tell him about Ben?**

**Review here or on twitter…Qgirl25 Thanks guys!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews guys….I'm kinda a review whore these days!**

**Again…nothing is mine….it's Dickie's**

Chapter 5

Olivia finally got herself up and out of the shower and was able to make it to the bedroom. She was still in tears. They wouldn't stop. She felt everything coming over her all at once. The last three months without Elliot. The fact that he is back. The fact that she missed him like crazy and still does and the thing that confuses her most is the fact that she just slept with another man. A man she barely knew. Although she broke up with Elliot, she can't help but feel that she betrayed him and what they have or had in some way. She was to the point where she was getting hysterical. How could she look Elliot in the eyes again after this. Would he forgive her? She was snapped out of her own thoughts when she heard a voice coming from the other room that sent a shiver down her spine and at the same made her heart beat so with fear she thought it would surely jump out of her chest. He was here. Elliot. Was it meant to be that she tells him?

"Liv, it's me" Elliot yelled so she wouldn't be startled at someone in her apartment and shoot him by accident, although he was not altogether sure if she did shoot him if it would be an accident.

Olivia came out of the bedroom in nothing but a towel, as she didn't have a chance to get dressed before she heard him calling her name.

He stood and just stared at her. _There she was the woman he loved more than his own life standing in front of him in nothing but a towel. He felt a shiver throughout him. She was so beautiful. God, he missed her. How did he let things get to this point? The point where it was awkward for her to be in the same room with him in nothing but a towel when a few short months ago, she would have just come out of the bathroom naked if she needed something. He felt himself die a bit inside._

"Liv, I'm sorry. I called you all most of the night but you didn't answer. I figured you were out for the night, since you said you would be with Casey. I used my key. I needed to pick a few things up. I've been staying with Munch since…you….since I got back to town".

"It's not a problem, El. I was out with Casey. Uh, we called it a night early".

"Okay, I'll just grab some stuff real quick and get out of your way. You look like you are ready for bed".

"Yeah, just took a shower obviously. Um, El do you think you could hang around for bit while I get dressed? I wanted to talk to you about something".

"Sure!" he said excited at the prospect that she actually wanted to share anything with him even if it was just a conversation."

"Okay, I'll be right back".

As she walked toward the bedroom, Elliot just stared. She felt him staring as she walked toward the bedroom they had shared for the past two years. When she entered and looked around, she began to tear up. She saw some of his clothes still lying on an old chair he insisted on moving into their apartment because he had, had it for so long. She laughed when she thought back to the argument they had over the chair. She looked at the bed. The bed she shared with him every night for two years. The bed they made love in. The bed they held each other in. The bed she cried in his arms in over a case that got to her. The bed she slept in alone for the last three months he had been gone.

She focused herself not on the past but on the present and what she needed to do now. She needed to get this off her chest about sleeping with Ben earlier tonight. She had to tell him. It was killing her. She wondered if she was trying to relieve her own guilt or hurt him even more. This would kill him. They never had secrets before. They told each other everything. Although they weren't together anymore, they were still working together so she figured she better get this out there, otherwise it would just drive her insane and make it impossible for her to do her job with him. She found a pair of sweat pants and an old NYPD shirt that she was pretty sure was Elliot's by the size, but decided to wear it anyway. She looked into the mirror, wiped her tears away, held her head high and prayed she could do this.

She walked back into the living room about 10 minutes later. Elliot had gathered a bunch of stuff he wanted to take with him. She knew he still had to go into the bedroom to get some clothes but they could deal with that later.

"Hey" he said to her as his eyes looked her up and down. Only Olivia Benson could make an old pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt look hot. She had her hair in a pony tail and she took his breath away.

"Hey" she replied back. "Do you want something to drink? A beer maybe?"

"Sure, sounds good. Thanks"

She walked to the refrigerator and grabbed two beers. She handed one to Elliot and felt his hand graze hers as he took it. A shiver ran down her spine. Even after all this time, all the anger and hurt this man could still get to her and they both knew it. Although, she knew he would never play the physical card with her. He respected her too much.

"So, what did you want to talk about, Liv?"

"Well…ummmm Casey and I were talking tonight and she suggested that if we were both going to move on that I should probably let you explain why I didn't hear from you for the last 2 ½ months you were gone." She knew damn well Casey didn't say anything about closure but rather that she should hear him out because it might change her feelings regarding everything, but she didn't want him to think that was a possibility."

"Liv, are you really ready to hear what I have to say? Because I want to tell you. I have wanted to tell you since the day I got back. I will only tell this story one time, and then I will never talk about it again so I need to know if you are truly ready and willing to listen to the whole story".

She felt that this sounded very ominous. She knew this was going to be hard for him, and he might not even care to explain anything to her after he finds out she slept with another man just a few hours ago.

"I am ready Elliot. First, though I think there is something I need to tell you. After you hear this, you may not even want to explain anything to me."

"I find that hard to believe, Liv. What is it? It can't be that bad".

"Elliot, I need you to know that since the moment I saw you on that roof the day you came back, I have never wanted to hurt you. That was never my goal or intention. If I did, I'm sorry, I was just extremely hurt and still am to an extent but hurting you or causing you any kind of pain….you have to know that was never my intention".

"Liv, you are scarring me. What is it?"

"Elliot. You need to let me get through this and not interrupt. This is hard for me. This is going to hurt you. It hurts me and I don't want to hurt you but we've never had secrets, and even though we aren't together anymore, I feel like we shouldn't have secrets so please let me get through this".

"Okay, Liv".

He sat down on the couch next to her. She turned to face him. He took a swig of his beer. He was so close to her right now she could feel his hot breath on her. He was making her forget what she was thinking about. Making her dizzy with want. Making her ache for him. God she missed him so much. How did they get here? She willed herself to snap out of it and just tell him.

"Okay, so you know Casey and I went out tonight. We went to some dive bar down the street. We hung around for a while. I drank a bit too much. I wasn't drunk but had a nice buzz. I met a fellow officer from the 2-7 Ben. He was a nice guy. Works homicide actually. _Now she felt herself babbling….like Elliot gives a shit what department the guy works in. _Anyway, we got to talking and then Casey decided to leave so I hung around and talked with Ben for a while.

_She could see the expression on Elliot's face starting to change, as if he knew what was coming next. Was he really going to make her say it if he already knew? Of course he was. She'd do the same damn thing if she were him. She wasn't sure but she thought she saw a small tear form in the corner of his eye. She knew if he made her say the words that she would watch him fall apart. How could she do this to him? She still loved him. She didn't want to hurt him. There was no backing out now. She felt as though he knew anyway. She just had to say the words and then incur the wrath._

"So anyway, Ben and I seemed to hit it off pretty well. He kissed me, Elliot. While we were sitting at the bar he kissed me. Immediately, my thoughts went to you, which made me sad, hurt and angry and I think I needed to prove something to myself. Prove that I could go on without you. I went back to his apartment with him Elliot. I think you can figure out the rest".

"Say it Olivia. I want you to say it. I want you to look in my eyes and tell me the rest".

"God, Elliot why? Why do you want to torture yourself?"

"Just say it Olivia. I want you to look in my eyes and tell me what happened".

"I slept with him Elliot! I had sex with him. Are you happy now that I said it out loud? You knew what I was going to say, why did you make me say it to you out loud?"

"I just needed you to look at me when you said it. I needed it that way so I would know it was real. Thanks for making it real for me, Olivia".

"Elliot you need to hear the rest then".

"Ummmmmmmm I think I've heard quite enough already Olivia. Thanks for the offer though".

"Fuck you Elliot! You wanted to hear everything so you are going to hear everything".

He sighed and sat back down on the couch next to her knowing that she was right. He did make her say it so he owed it to her to hear everything, when all he wanted to do right now was just curl up in the corner and let the tears flow. He was surprised that he was able to keep them inside as it was. He figured his anger was outweighing his hurt at this point, and that's what was keeping him from just breaking down. The thought of her with another man was almost too much for him to bear. Someone else touching her. Her letting someone else touch her. Letting someone else inside her. He felt sick and empty, like he had been kicked in the gut.

Olivia continued "Elliot, it was just sex. It was absolutely nothing more. I'm not even sure why I did it. I will admit that most of the night my thoughts were of you, which made me more confused and angry. I couldn't even get you out of my head while with another man".

"You think that makes me feel better Liv? You think because you thought about me I should be happy and my ego is satisfied and I should forget that some guy was touching you, feeling you, inside you, loving you, loving you the way I used to?"

"Elliot, no one has ever loved me like you. This was a one night stand and a huge mistake. I wanted you out of my head and my thoughts for one damn night and even having sex with someone else didn't make that happen. I wasn't trying to replace you. I didn't want someone to love me like you did. I never want to feel that kind of love with anyone again".

"Why Olivia? Was it really that bad?

"No, El, you're missing the point. I meant I never want to feel that love again with anyone but you. I can't feel it with you anymore because too much has happened but in my heart I know that I will never be loved by anyone like that again, and that's okay. I've experienced the most intense love ever. Some people never have that feeling. I had it. I had it for two wonderful years, but I need to let it go now.

Elliot moved closer to her and pulled her flush against his body. Feeling he had nothing to lose he kissed her. He kissed her with so much intensity, he thought he might pass out. He pulled away and said "Can you really let that go, Liv? Don't lie to me either. You've been talking half the night about how it was just sex with this Ben guy and how part of it was about me. No one will ever love you like me. You will never feel that kind of love again. So be honest with me Olivia. I felt you kiss me back. I heard you moan just like you always do when I kiss you. Can you honestly look at me and tell me you can let what we have go?"

"Elliot, we've been over this. What do you want from me?"

"The truth Liv, that's what I want from you. You act like you can't forgive me for any of this, but you kiss me like you still want me. I can forgive the sex with what's his face tonight, I don't care. I can let it go. It's you I can't let go. It's us I can't forget. Tell me you can and I will go and won't even bother explaining anything to you. Look in my eyes and tell me you are 100% over me and I will walk out that door and never come back".

"El, I can't. You know I can't, and you're not being fair. You knew the answer to that question before you asked it. You know I will always love you. I told you that on the roof the day you came back. I also told you that you broke me and for that I can't forgive you. So as much as I may be in love with you, and as much as I still get butterflies in my stomach when you say my name and see stars when you kiss me, I can't be with you. I can't risk my heart again. I gave you everything I had, everything I am. You took it and you broke me with it."

"Olivia, just as you said tonight wasn't about hurting me, my not staying in touch was never about hurting you. I wanted to talk to you so badly . I needed you. I wanted you. I missed you more than you will ever know. I ached inside for you. Sometimes it seemed as though I could actually feel you. I was in such a bad place in my head Olivia. You would not have wanted me around".

"You should have let that be my choice Elliot. You took that choice away from me. You made it for me, and you had no right and now it feels as if nothing will ever be the same again".

"When I kissed you and the way you kissed me back, it certainly felt like old times. Deny it Olivia".

"Fuck you! I already told you I won't deny it. I love you Elliot! I have always loved you and I always will, but sometimes love isn't enough and you know it! You need to move on and let me go!"

"Olivia, all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy. If I truly believed that you would be happier without me, I would let you go but after tonight I don't believe that. So for the record Olivia, I will not be getting over you or letting you go or moving on anytime soon, and from the looks of it neither will you".

Elliot moves closer to Olivia again. She tries to back up but the wall is right behind her. He traps her between himself and the wall and grabs her waist and kisses her deep and hard. She thinks about pulling away, resisting but God help her she can't. What is this hold this man has on her. He whispers into her ear "I want you Olivia. I've missed you so much".

She tries to respond but he is making her crazy "El, please I can't…please I'm asking you to stop".

Elliot backed away his dick as hard as a rock, and he knew damn well without needed confirmation that Olivia was wetter than she has been from only a kiss in a long time. He knew what he did to her, and that was enough for him for now.

"Liv, I'm sorry. Really. I just got caught up in the moment. You know I would never force you to do anything".

"Of course I know that, El. It's fine. I'm just really confused, and when you kiss me like that I can't think and you know it. You've always known it and you just used it against me".

"I admit it Olivia. I used what we have physically against you. I'll do it again if I have to. I'll do whatever I need to do to get you to admit you want me in your life. You need me in your life. You want me to love you. You miss me. You miss us. I'm gonna go now Liv. If you still want me to explain things to you, I will tomorrow. I think we've had enough for tonight".

Olivia doesn't want him to go, but at the same time she knows she was minutes from being in bed with him before and if he didn't leave it could happen again and that scared her.

"Okay, yeah I do want to listen. Do you want to come over tomorrow night? We can order pizza or something. Not a date Elliot. Do not read anything into this, please".

"Yeah, okay Liv. Pizza. Not a date…whatever you say. I'll be here around 8. Sweet dreams Olivia" he said as he walked toward the door, opened it and let it shut behind him.

Shit she thought to herself. What just happened? I told him I slept with another man and he forgave me. Elliot Stabler, Mr. poster child for rage, was calm and forgave me. He still wants to love me after all of this. After the way I've treated him, slept with someone else. What do I do? I still love him. I'm scared of him though. Scared of how he makes me feel. Scared that he still has the power to break my heart. I don't know what to do.

**A/N: Well shit are we ever gonna get to hear why he stayed out of touch? Hmmmmmmmmmmm…yeah we are..next chap I promise….was gonna do it in this one but it turned out too long….**

**R&R here or on twitter….Thanks guys! Qgirl25**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for the reviews guys…. **

Chapter 6

Olivia was wandering around the kitchen. It was a Saturday morning, and she figured she could clean up a bit. She started thinking back to last night and the way Elliot left. He really seemed like he wanted to explain things to her, and then she dropped the "I slept with someone else" bomb on him. She continued thinking back to the hurt look on his face. It was never her intention to hurt him; she just wanted to be honest. He forgave her. I mean they aren't officially together, but still Elliot forgave her. She thought for sure he would see it as a betrayal and never forgive her.

She couldn't help but wonder exactly what happened and what he went through while he was gone that made him so forgiving toward her.

It was already 7 o'clock and Elliot was going to be there by 8. She stopped herself and thought…_what am I doing? This isn't a date. I told him it wasn't a date. Why am I so nervous? Why am I worried about what I wear or what I look like? Why do I care so much? I still love him, that's why I care so much. He knows it, I know it. How can I forgive him though? He broke my heart. I broke his and he forgave me though. Do I have the right to hold this against him forever? Could things ever be the same between us again? I miss him. I miss waking up next to him every morning. I miss going to sleep with him every night. I miss that he is the one person in the world who truly knows me and still loves me. I miss the way we laugh when no one else knows we why we are laughing. I just miss everything about him. Should I deny myself the ultimate love? I know I will never love another the way I love Elliot. Am I willing to settle for mediocre because I am hurt or do I give this man all of me again and pray he doesn't break me? _

Her thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of the phone. She checks the caller ID. It's Casey. She thinks she isn't in the mood right now, but decides to pick it up anyway otherwise she will end up calling the entire time Elliot is here.

"Hey Casey" she says.

"Hey Liv"

"What's up?" Olivia asks.

"Nothing much. Just wanted to see if you were busy tonight. Thought maybe we could go out again".

"NO!" Olivia says sternly.

"Woah! Liv, okay, wow I thought we had a good time"

"I'm sorry, Casey. I did have a good time until I ended up sleeping with Ben and then confessing everything to Elliot" Olivia explained.

"WHAT!" Casey screamed. "I want details!"

"Well, you're going to have to wait because he's on his way over and I look horrible. I'll call you tomorrow okay?"

"Okay. Hey Liv, good luck with Elliot. Listen to your heart. Listen to his heart. He is in love with you. As much as I've ever seen a man love a woman".

"Thanks Case. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye". ….and with that she hung up.

It was now 7:45 and he was never late. Shit! She thought to herself. She threw on a pair of jeans and cami, threw a bit of makeup on and put her hair in a ponytail and thought this is the best I can do on short notice. It's not a date anyway, right? Right!

She heard the doorbell ring. Right on time as usual she thought. She was nervous. She had butterflies in her stomach. This is Elliot she thought to herself. The guy she has lived with for the last 2 years. What was she so nervous about? She made her way to the door and opened it. There he stood. The man she has loved for 12 years . The man who knew everything about her inside and out and yet she still stood there like a school girl.

"Hey" he said. "You look great, Liv"

"Hey to you too. Come on in". She took the pizza and beer from him. The fact that he was wearing jeans that defined his ass and a t-shirt that basically showed every ripped muscle he had was not lost on her.

"Damn why is he so fuckin hot?" she said.

"What? Did you say something?" he asked.

"No, no….I just shut my finger in the refrigerator door. I'm fine". She said.

"Oh, okay…Liv" he said with a big smirk on his face, as if he had heard her.

They sit down on the couch of the apartment they've shared for 2 years. They both looked around. The memories. The good times. The bad times. The times.

Elliot hands Olivia a piece of pizza and she hands him a beer. Their fingers graze each other's. They both feel it. They both know it. They both deny it.

Elliot drinks his beer in approximately three gulps and asks Olivia for another one. She hands it to him hesitantly saying "Elliot, you are not here to get drunk".

"I know that Liv. I just need a little bit of liquid courage to get through what I'm about to tell you. I haven't thought about it in a while, and my shrink is the only one I told about it. Cut me a little slack okay?" he said with a bit of anger in his voice.

"Sorry. I understand this is hard for you Elliot. If you don't want to do this I will understand".

"No, Liv. I owe you an explanation as to why I stayed away and out of contact. I need to make you understand that it was never about you. It was me. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I wasn't. You can decide that for yourself, but I do need you to know. You put it all out there for me last night regarding sleeping with Ben, so I'm going to do the same. I owe you. I owe you everything. I hurt you. I know this now. At the time, it was just about me and how I felt, but now it's about you and how I made you feel. I would give anything to go back Olivia. You are the one person I never wanted to hurt in this world and I did. Let me get through this, please". He said with tears almost flowing down his face.

"Okay, El. It's okay. She said as she moved to wipe the tears from his cheeks. "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere".

He shifted to get comfortable on the couch, not knowing how he was going to do this, but he knew he owed it to Olivia and to himself.

"Liv that last time I spoke with you I was in a really bad place. I think you know that. I missed you. I wanted to come home and just hold you, but I couldn't. I decided that I would go see my kids. I hadn't seen them since I left. I went to the house. Kathy was there with Dickie, Lizzie and Eli. She said it was fine that I come in. I didn't know what to expect from the kids considering I hadn't even called them since that day in the squad room.

"El, I'm sorry to interrupt but are you saying you were in the City? Were you in the City the whole time?" she asked now with tears running down her own cheeks.

"Yes. I was in the City the whole time, Liv. I'm so sorry. I started to leave town, figured I'd drive south to the beach, but I couldn't physically leave you or my kids so I stayed around the City just to keep an eye on you guys".

"You were spying on me?" she now said incredulously.

"No, Liv. Not spying. I only saw you once. I was across the street from the precinct one day and I did see you leave with Fin. I wanted to say something, but I just couldn't. You were so beautiful. I missed you so much, but something kept me from going to you. I'm sorry. I needed to be as close to you as I could, even though I couldn't be with you".

"Okay. I mean I guess it really doesn't matter now. It's just knowing you were so close and still couldn't reach out to me and let me help you….it just….it hurts Elliot….a lot…"

"I know. I thought about not telling you I was in the City at all, but I'm not going to lie to you Olivia. I'm putting everything out there right now. You can hate me, judge me and never want to see me again but I'm going to tell you everything".

"Elliot…..I…."

"Liv, it's okay. I can do this….please let me do this"

"Sorry, okay. I'm listening. You went to the house and saw Kathy and the kids there".

"Yes. Kathy decided to give me some time with Dickie and Lizzie so she took Eli out for a while. Dickie and I talked for a while and things were good by the end of the conversation. He asked me not to stay out of touch or stay away anymore and I promised I wouldn't. He had plans with some friends so he came over to me, gave me a hug, told me he loved me and left.

Lizzie then came into the living room and it was really tense. She didn't say anything to me. She went to the kitchen to get a drink and was about to just go back to her room until I stopped her. She was really distant and didn't seem to want to talk to me or even look at me. I figured she was pissed that I hadn't called or come over since the shooting. I asked her to come over and sit and talk with me. After a lot of begging, she finally relented and came over.

I think we must have sat on that couch for about 20 minutes without saying a word to each other. Lizzie was finally the one who broke the silence. She asked me "Dad, did you really kill that girl?".

"Oh, El…I'm sorry….you know she's just a kid".

"I know she is Liv. It was just really hard to hear. I told her yes and explained that Jenna had a gun and had started shooting people in the squad room. She then asked me if the people Jenna was shooting were bad people. I explained who they were without going into too much detail, and then she asked me if Jenna was a bad person. I told her of course not, that she was upset about her mother and everything that had happened but that she was a good person who just did a bad thing".

Elliot rose up off the couch and needed to walk around a bit. Olivia asked him if he wanted to stop. If it was too much for him. He just looked out the bay window in the apartment. The window that gave them the most beautiful view of the City he had ever seen, they had spent many a night just watching the sunset out that window, many a night making love in front of the window with the City lights right outside. He just starred. Olivia just watched him. She thought he needed time to tell her what happened next so she sat patiently waiting.

"Liv, the next thing she said to me was; "Dad you always tell me I'm a good person if I do something wrong are you going to shoot and kill me too?"

"Oh God El, I'm so sorry".

"Liv, it was as if she shot me herself. Those words just burned a whole in me so deep. I couldn't move for about 10 minutes. She didn't understand exactly what she had said but it nearly killed me. How could my own daughter think I could hurt her like that? I mean yeah my picture was all over the front page for weeks "Detective shoots and kills teenage girl"….I mean what is a girl Lizzie's age suppose to think".

"I was finally able to speak and explained to her that I would never do anything to hurt her or her brother or sisters. It was hard for her to understand because Jenna was just a young girl like her. At that point I didn't even understand the ramifications of what I had done, how was I suppose to explain it to my 13 year old daughter?"

"At that point, I just needed to get out of there. I told her I loved her and would be in touch soon. Kathy and Eli got back as I was leaving and I kissed Eli and left. I found myself wandering around the City not knowing what to do or where to go. I showed up here. I felt so alone. My own daughter thought I was a monster. A killer of teenage girls. I needed you so much Liv. I just needed to talk to you. Look at you. Be with you.

"Why didn't you just walk up the stairs if you were here, El? You know I would have understood".

"I know, Liv, but I was such a mess at that point there was no way I could let you see me like that. I ended up in Central Park hanging out in these tunnels where some homeless people live. I sat there for two straight days Liv. I sat there with my gun cocked, Liv".

"Elliot, NO!"

"Liv…stop…you need to hear this….please. I sat there and everything that happened the day Jenna died went through my head. What did I do right? What did I do wrong? Could things have been different? I didn't know. I wanted to eat my gun Liv. I heard Lizzie's voice in my head. I saw Jenna's dead body on the squad room floor. I wanted to die Liv. I didn't care that suicide was a sin at that point. I just needed it all to end. I needed the pain to stop".

Olivia got off the couch and made her way over to the window where Elliot stood as he relived those horrible days. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist and just rested her head on his shoulders. He covered her hands with his own and let out a moan. Her touch made him feel like he was home. Like he could breathe again.

"Elliot, you can stop now. I think I understand" she said sympathetically.

"No, I need to do this. I told you I would tell you everything and I will and then I will never speak of those nights again".

They continued to stand at the bay window, Olivia with her arms wrapped around Elliot's waist and his arms wrapped around hers. He didn't want to let go. Ever.

"Liv, I came so close to ending it all. I just felt like I had no right to live if Jenna was dead. It seemed unfair, and with Lizzie asking if I would shoot her if she did something wrong, I just wanted and needed all the pain to end. I won't lie to you Olivia. I cocked my gun more than once."

Olivia, still standing behind him was now sobbing at the thought of him in so much pain that he wanted to end his own life.

"I pulled the trigger Liv."

She gasped. She was blown away. She knew how he felt about suicide. She was hysterical at this point. Elliot turned around and she just wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed.

"I'm so sorry El. I'm so sorry that you felt so alone. Sorry that you didn't feel like you could come to me."

"Olivia, none of this is your fault and it wasn't mine either. That's what I have learned. I cocked that gun Liv. I pulled the trigger. I wanted to die in that moment. The gun jammed, and I thanked God. I realized I really didn't want to die. I felt as if I did, but knew deep down that I couldn't leave my children, that I couldn't leave you. I sat there for hours wondering why the gun jammed. Why I wasn't dead. I figured there must be a reason. I'm still searching for that reason, Liv and maybe I'll never find it I don't know".

"I did know that I wanted to live but couldn't go on the way I was. The next day I got off my ass and found myself a shrink. We talked about everything from my divorce to the job, my kids and you. She made me understand I was doing a job, and as horrible as what happened was it wasn't my fault. I will live every day of the rest of my life thinking of Jenna and what happened that day, but I can finally think of that day and not want to die. I can think of that day and know that I did everything by the book. It all ended wrong, Liv. That girl should not be dead but I now know it wasn't my fault. I can finally live with what I've done and look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see looking back at me".

"El, I don't know what to say. I don't know if you want me to say that I understand and all is forgiven and we can be together again, because I don't know if I can. I do now obviously have a better understanding of why you stayed away and can actually understand it. I could probably even forgive you. I just don't know if I can trust you with my heart again. You crushed me Elliot. You left me alone to deal with my own demons from that day, and it still hurts" Olivia said to him.

"I understand Liv. I really do. I'm just glad you finally gave me a chance to let you hear my side. Now, whatever happens you have all the information. You know this was never about leaving you or not loving you. Olivia, I love you more than life. Sometimes, I don't know where I begin and you end. You are my life. You are my everything. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I won't pressure you anymore. I just needed you to know everything and what you mean to me".

"Elliot…I…..you know I love you….I just don't know…

"Liv, seriously it's okay. No pressure. I'm gonna go. Call me if you want to talk okay?"

"Elliot, you don't need to leave. We can finish eating and watch a movie or something".

"I think it's probably best if I go right now. I want more than anything to spend time with you, but I also want more than anything to kiss you, hold you and then take you to our bed and love you like you've never been loved before. You aren't ready for that. You may never be. So let me go now, and we'll talk tomorrow okay?"

"Okay, you promise, El"

"I promise, Liv. I will never break another promise to you again".

He grabbed his coat and walked over to her. He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss. They just starred at each other for moment and then both moved in for another kiss. This one was intense and yet gentle at the same time. They each moaned, knowing how much they could turn the other one on. Elliot knew if he didn't stop now, he might not be able to stop. Maybe Olivia didn't want him to, but it would be just sex and Elliot swore he and Olivia would never be about just sex, so he pulled away. She looked confused but understood.

"I'll call you tomorrow, Liv. I love you, remember that".

"I'll be waiting, El. I do love you too you know?"

"I do know. Bye Liv".

"Bye El".

**A/N: Can our beloved ones find their way back to each other or has too much happened? Hmmmm have to read and find out!**

**Review here or on twitter… Qgirl25 Thanks guys!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the reviews guys…. I heard I made some people cry! YAY! That just means I'm doing something right so I appreciate it….**

**Chapter 7**

Olivia paced her apartment floor most of the night. She tried numerous times to sleep but every time she closed her eyes, all she heard was _I pulled the trigger Liv. _She couldn't get that thought out of her head. Elliot wanted to die. He wanted to end his life over what happened to Jenna. He wanted to leave her. Leave his kids. He felt so alone and so desperate he didn't want to live. She felt sick to her stomach, especially at the fact that it was dumb luck that the gun jammed. He pulled the fuckin trigger. He would be dead if fate had not intervened. Why did it intervene? Obviously, he was not meant to die.

The story he told her certainly changed her view point of everything that had happened. She was still hurt deeply, but the anger had subsided. She couldn't even imagine what it must have been like to hear those words from his own daughter. His kids are everything to him. It must have killed him to have Lizzie think or look at him like he was some kind of monster. Why didn't he let her help him? She thought to herself, maybe she isn't meant to solve every problem. Maybe sometimes, he needs to work things out on his own. He obviously did. He went to a shrink. Elliot Stabler got up and took himself, of his own accord, to someone for help. That in itself is a miracle. Olivia thought even if she couldn't be the one who helped him, at least he did reach out to someone. Have her hurt and anger and her missing him made her so bitter that she's willing to give up everything they have built over the past few years? Can they get past this? He still loves her. He told her that. She never stopped loving him, she always made that clear. She lay down on the couch and finally let the tears flow. The thought of Elliot dying, especially at his own hands, was almost too much for her to take. She sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like hours until she finally fell asleep.

She awoke the next morning and was startled for a minute. She needed to get her bearings, not sure where she was. She then remembered lying on the couch and realized she must have fell asleep. She immediately went to her phone. He said he would call today. She hoped she hadn't missed it. No missed calls. It was still early. He said he would call, so he will.

She got herself up and went into her bedroom. Their bedroom. Every time over the past three months she entered the room, she just sighed. She missed him so much. So much sometimes it physically hurt. She showered and got herself ready for the day, when all she really wanted to do was curl up in her bed and just cry some more. She wanted to talk to Elliot. _Should she call him, she thought? Would he be annoyed? _Although, he seems perfectly fine right now and has obviously dealt with what had happened that day, she couldn't help but worry about him and his state of mind. She could go over to Munch's apartment. He is staying there. No, she thought, that would be much too awkward. _Just wait for him to call you Olivia, she said to herself. He will call you._

Hours passed and she felt like she had cleaned the apartment 50 times. She couldn't do it anymore. She sat on the couch and starred at her phone. She almost wished it had been a work day at least that would have kept her mind occupied. Instead, it was going to all these crazy places that involved Elliot wanting to hurt himself. Every time that thought entered her head, she felt sick to her stomach.

The phone finally rang. She ran over to it checking the caller ID. It was him. It was Elliot. She felt like a school girl for a minute and they boy she liked was calling her. She took a deep breath and answered it.

"Hey" the voice on the other end said.

"Hey, El" I was starting to think you weren't gonna call.

"I promised I would didn't I?".

"Yeah, you did".

There were moments of awkward silence, which made them both sad. They were never at a loss for words with each other. Olivia finally broke the silence and did something she didn't think she would do up until last night.

"El, do you wanna do something tonight?" she asked.

"You mean like go out?"

"Yeah, or you could come over and we can just hang out. Whatever you want to do".

"Olivia, I want to see you and be with you more than anything but if this invite is so you can keep an eye on me because you think I'm going to do something crazy, that's not going to happen. I'm not in that bad place anymore. I'm not that person who wanted to die anymore".

"I know Elliot. That's not what the invite was about. I just really wanted to see you, but I've been a real bitch to you since you came back so if you don't want to see me I completely understand".

"Liv, I have wanted to see you every day since I've been back. What time?"

"Gimmie an hour?"

"An hour. Okay, I'll be over then. Bye, Liv".

"Bye Elliot".

An hour later, right on the dot, there was a knock at Olivia's door. She was excited to see Elliot. She hadn't felt this way since he'd come back.

She opened the door, however, the person standing there was not who she expected.

"Hey Olivia hope it's okay that I just dropped by" he said.

"Ben….ummmm hi…..what are you doing here? She asked as she looked out her door into the hallway to make sure Elliot wasn't there. The last thing she needed was Elliot meeting her one-night stand.

"I was in the neighborhood and hadn't seen you since that night we met, so I thought I'd stop by".

"Oh..ummmm….yeah…okay ….Ben it's great to see you again really, but I am right in the middle of something. Do you think it'd be okay if I called you?"

"Oh sure, I'm sorry. I should have called. Just figured I'd take a chance you weren't busy".

"It's not a problem" she said leading him to the door praying to get him the hell out of there before Elliot showed up.

She opened the door and the same time, letting him know that she would call him. Unfortunately, Elliot was standing right there ready to knock on the door.

"Hey Elliot" she said smiling in an oh shit I'm caught sort of way.

"Hey Liv. Who's your friend? Thought we had plans".

"Hi, I'm Ben, a friend of Olivia's" he said as he extended his had to Elliot.

Right away Elliot knew who it was. This was the guy that Olivia had spent the night with. This is the guy who touched her. Who made love to her. He felt his fists clench and jaw tighten. He also knew that he was making progress with Olivia and if he wanted to continue to he needed to keep his temper in check. So in a non-Stabler move he grabbed Ben's hand and shook it. Olivia was stunned and couldn't help but smirk because she knew how much it was killin him but knew he did it for her and was touched by the gesture.

"Okay, well nice meeting you Elliot. Olivia, I'll be waiting for that call" he said as he winked at her and closed the door behind him.

There was another awkward moment of silence between Olivia and Elliot. He finally turned around and said "so that was the guy huh?".

"Yeah, El that was him. I'm really sorry. I haven't even talked to him since that night and he just showed up here about 10 minutes ago".

"It's okay, Liv. You don't owe me any explanations. Maybe I should just go"

"Elliot, please don't" she almost said in a begging manner.

"Liv, I know we're not together and I have no right to be jealous or anything, but when you explained to me that you had been with someone else it was one thing, but to see the guy and shake his hand that's another thing. I have no right to feel this way, I know that, but thinking about him touching you and loving you like I used to do, is just too much for me right now".

"Elliot, it was a one-night stand. I told you that! It was just sex! It was nothing like you and I. No one could ever be like you and I! You have ruined me for any other man Elliot Stabler. Does that make you feel better? I could be with 1,000 men for the rest of my life, and I know I will never feel what I feel when I'm with you. I know no one will ever love me like you do. I know that no one will ever make love to me like you do" she said screaming at him.

"Liv, you say these things to me like you still care, like we still have a chance. It confuses the hell out of me. I don't know where we stand. I didn't pour my heart out to you for pity. I love you and you know it, but I don't want you back that way not out of pity. I want you back out of nothing but pure love".

"Elliot….I told you the day you came back on the roof that I still love you. I will always love you. I don't know how to not love you. Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I could just stop, but it's like asking me to stop breathing. You're in my heart Elliot. You are my heart. You have been for the last two years we've been together and long before that. I need you to know that".

"Okay, Liv…I get all that, but what does it mean? Can you forgive me for staying away? Can you ever trust me again? Do we stand a chance or have I truly lost you forever?"

"Elliot, I will admit that I now truly do understand why you stayed away and didn't contact me. It breaks my heart to think of you feeling that down and low that you wanted to take your life. I will also admit that the thought of you and I together again makes me happy, but you need to understand that as much as I do understand I'm still hurt. I don't know where we go from here. I know I'm as deeply in love with you as I ever have been and I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes".

"Liv…he said moving closer.

"El…..don't" she said trying to push him away.

"Olivia, don't push me away. Shhhhh just relax and feel".

He leaned in and kissed her. It was gentle and calmed her. He pulled away to look at her. They never took their eyes off each other. He leaned down again and this time he devoured her mouth. She moaned against him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"God, Elliot. I've missed you she whispered into his ear as he nibbled at her neck.

"I want you Olivia. I want you so much. Can you feel how much I need you?" he whispered back.

His voice was husky and Olivia was on edge already. His voice and the way he was kissing her was just making her ache for him even stronger.

"I want you too Elliot….I just don't know…if…..I…..God Elliot…..feels so good"

"Don't think about it Liv, just let me love you. Love me, Liv. Let me show you how sorry I am. Let me show you how much I love you and what you mean to me. Let me show you that I will never leave you again no matter what" he managed to get out in between having his tongue down her throat and kissing her neck.

She pulled away and just looked at him. Brown and blue eyes met. Love, lust and betrayal confronting each other all at once. They had come full circle.

**A/N: Will they have make up sex? Will it just be sex or can Olivia truly forgive him? Find out…**

**REVIEW HERE OR ON TWITTER Qgirl25 Thanks guys!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Soooo Sorry for the delay in updating guys…real life called and I watched the first two eps of SVU against my better judgment and got into a funk…..won't be making that mistake again….so onward…..**

They starred at each other for what seemed like a lifetime. Years of their relationship rushing through each other's mind. All the hurt, the anger, the love, the betrayal the good times and the bad. Elliot pulled back to look at Olivia.

"Liv, you okay?"

"Yeah….I'm sorry….I just have a lot of things going through my head right now"

"Bad things? Good things?" he asked praying they weren't all the bad things that have happened in the past few months.

"A bit of both I guess" she responded moving further away from him.

"Liv, if this is too much or too fast for you I can go. The last thing I want to do is push you. I'm just glad you know everything and you are finally talking to me again. I can wait. I can wait forever for you."

"You shouldn't have to Elliot. I understand why you stayed away now. I honestly do and I can even forgive it. Forgetting the hurt and loneliness I felt for those months you were gone is still hard for me. I miss you Elliot, but more than that I miss us".

Those words cut him deep. She missed him….She missed them …together as a couple but she was still hurt. He understood but felt helpless to do anything more than he had done. He had apologized, he had told her why, there wasn't much left he could do except pray she could forgive him and they could get back to what they had before any of this ever happened. Then he realized, even if she could forgive and possibly ever forget, it would never be the same again. He'd broken something in her that he couldn't fix.

He walked towards the couch where he had thrown his coat and picked it up. He figured it was best to leave at this point. He was at a loss as to what to say or do at this point. He didn't want to push Olivia and yet it was hard to be around her with such tension between them. He picked up his coat and began to walk toward the door.

"Leaving me again?" she said sarcastically.

"Liv, no…I just… she cut him off. "El, I was kidding, lighten up. You usually get it when I'm being sarcastic".

"I know Liv…it's just that there's so much tension between us and so much unresolved shit that I don't know if I can joke with you or laugh with you or what the hell to do anymore. All I want to do is take you in my arms right now and take you to bed. I want to love you like I always have. I wanna laugh with you like we always have. I wanna just look at you and have you know what I'm thinking and finish my sentences for me. I just want you Olivia. You're all I've ever wanted and I don't know how to make this right again.

"Elliot, come here".

He walked towards her throwing his jacket back onto the couch and stood in front of her. He felt like he was back in high school and about to ask the girl he liked to the prom. This felt ridiculously awkward and he hated it. He hated what they had become.

She took her hands and bought them up to his unshaven face cupping it. She looked into those blue eyes. Those blue eyes that have looked at her for the past 12 years with love in them. She saw the love again. Finally, she felt like maybe she was in a place where she could put the pain of the past few months behind her and move forward. She knew that moving forward meant forgiving Elliot. There was no way she could picture the rest of her life without him. She needed to forgive him, if for nothing else than her own well being. She knew she could never truly let him go. He was her life. Her love. Her everything. She also knew it meant putting her heart back out there again, once again giving him the power to hurt her. She knew he never intentionally hurt her. What happened with Jenna was a horrific, unforeseen event that had shattered their lives, but thought to herself it didn't have to define them.

"El, I do forgive you."

His heart melted. Those words were what he had longed to her from her for what seemed like forever.

"I feel a but coming on, Liv."

"No buts", she said as she moved closer to him and grazed her lips over his. "I can't do this anymore, El. I can't pretend that you don't matter to me. I can't pretend that I'm not still totally in love with you. That day in the squad room changed you, changed me, changed us but I just realized he doesn't have to define us. You don't have to be the cop who killed Jenna Fox. I don't have to be Elliot Stabler's ex. We can just be Liv and El again and see what happens."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and assaulted her mouth. He had waited so long to hear all of these things from her. All he wanted was her back in his life. He could take it slow, give her the time she needed to get past everything. He was just happy that they had a chance to be Liv and El again.

He pulled away from her, leaving her confused. He walked back toward the couch and picked up his coat again and put it on.

"El? You're leaving? Did I do something?", she asked concerned.

"No, baby. You didn't do anything, except make me believe that miracles can happen and make me the happiest guy on the planet right now. Just knowing you don't want to throw what we have away is enough for me right now. I told you I would take things slow, and I meant it."

"Who said I wanted to take things slow?" she asked.

He moved across the living room closer to her. He bent down and whispered into her ear "What do you want Liv? Tell me and I will give it to you. Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go?"

"I want you to stay" she whispered into his ear skimming her lips over them, sending a shiver down his spine.

"What do you want me to do to you if I stay." He asked with total sex in his voice.

"For one thing, El, you can keep talking to me like that because it's a total turn on. As for the rest of it, it's been a long time. I want you to love me like you've never loved me before. I want you to take me to our bed and love me like you never have before, and when we are all done and in pure ecstasy, I want you to do it all over again, all night long."

"Jesus, Liv" was all he could manage to get out.

Her dirty talk turned him on more than he thought was possible. He was more than willing to do all of that and so much more to her. He slammed her into the living room wall and assaulted her mouth like never before. They were grabbing each other everywhere. She missed him. His touch, his smell, his warmth. The way he made her feel.

"Take me to bed" she whispered in his ear. "Our bed".

He lifted her up and carried her into their bedroom. It had been too long. So much had happened and yet something about them being together there like this felt right, felt normal.

They couldn't get enough of each other. It had been months and they missed each other. It wasn't about the sex, they missed they closeness of each other. The rid each other of their clothes. She was already soaking wet just from kissing him. She knew it wouldn't take long for either of them. They had waited too long for this. She didn't care. She wanted him. He wanted her. He lowered her onto the bed, hovering over her, holding himself up with his forearms.

"You're beautiful" he said just staring at her. "I've missed you so much".

"I've missed you too El" she said as she raised her head and arms to pull him down into a passionate kiss. She moaned into his mouth. She felt a tear roll down her cheek.

There was no time for foreplay, they were both ready. They had been ready for months. They just needed to be as close as two people could be.

He slid into her slowly, letting out a moan from deep in his throat. A shiver ran through her when he moaned, knowing she elicited that reaction.

He slid in and out of her and a slow and agonizing pace as far as she was concerned. Before long, she was moving in rhythm with him. She was screaming his name, as she was dragging kisses down his neck to his chest. She knew she would never let this man go again.

"El, I'm so close" she grunted.

"I know, me too. Just let go. I love you. I always have".

With that, they came together in unison, as they had always done things, together.

"Jesus" he grunted rolling over.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking" she replied.

"God, I missed you Liv".

"I've missed you too, El. We're gonna be okay now".

They drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

A few hours later, Olivia woke up. She looked over and saw Elliot lying there fast asleep. She was happy. Truly happy for the first time since the shooting. She got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. She walked over to her window and looked out over the City. The lights were beautiful. Everything seemed beautiful right now.

She stood there and reflected on everything that had happened since the shooting. The pain, the hurt, the lies, the cheating, the forgiveness. They had come full circle. She thought about how Elliot had kept things from her, shut her out, but always loved her. She thought about how he had pulled the trigger on his gun and by the grace of God, he lived. He was in a good place now, he was able to love her and trust her again. He had kept secrets, his secret pain. Until he didn't.

The End.

**A/N: Thanks again to all who read and reviewed. This was my very first story ever and just took me a while to finish. Of course I started other ones in the meantime, but thanks for reading!**

**The ending sex scene wasn't too graphic, as I was trying to show their relationship was not only about sex, that it was deeper than anything physical. Hope everyone got that. Thanks again for reading!**

**Review her or on twitter. Qgirl25**

**REVIEW HERE OR ON TWITTER Qgirl25 Thanks guys! **


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